I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I faked an abortion last night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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