Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
