We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
