So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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