that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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