Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
