wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
