I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
