Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
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