Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
