she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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