I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
