I just saw a hot homeless man
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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