ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
A bitchslap is in order.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
