I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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