You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
