I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
