Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
