when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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