I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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