I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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