I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
