someone threw a dead crab at me
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
ttyl tear gas
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
