We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
