I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
