you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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