I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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