Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So squirting runs in the family.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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