I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
