I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
