He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
