Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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