She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i wish my penis had a tongue
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
