i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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