totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
