You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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