I could make wine with my vomit
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
