I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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