I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
