Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
