I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
