It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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