pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
