Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
