I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
