someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
