How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
