The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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