tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
