I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Randomize
