On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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