You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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