this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
