Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize