he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
