dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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