You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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