so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize